Tame

I find it hard
to look at you
to watch you
while you sleep
on my neck at night.

Knowing once I am gone
you'll become
another wild beast
a part of the feral
far from a housecat
far from a family member
you'll become once again
tempestuous
untouched
uncherished
you'll be once again,
alone.

Part of the landscape
part of everyday life
when to me
you are a goddess.

I find it hard
to imagine you
other than how you are
right now
or sitting alone
in the mud
as I found you
skinny and sniffling,
shaking with cold,
struggling to grow
so close to death.

For now
we will
allow you
to be tame.

Once you
are free again
in the jungle
in the night
running with the
wild things
that live outside
my door
I will see you
in a distant memory
sleek as a leopard
looking out
into the mist.

Author's Note*** I wrote this poem as a way to deal with some of the strays I took in while in Kenya. I say deal with not regarding the difficulties they presented to a training veterinarian (health wise, which were numerous and educational in themselves), but rather regarding the difficulties they presented to an animal lover. I took these cats in, in some cases kittens, because I wanted to treat them while keeping a watchful eye on them. When you first start actually administering some form of treatment to an animal you always want to keep them within arm's length, as you doubt your abilities and in many circumstances, the ability of the animal to survive the treatment. They all survived and even flourished under my care while in Kenya but to leave them behind ended up being a harder process than even I had imagined. I have done fostering work before with cats but this was a much different type of parting. You had to consider beyond just physically leaving the cats (the emotional grief experienced by both yourself and the animal) and think about the reality facing the animal you are leaving behind. They are not leaving your care to enter into the traditional North American household, which comes with a constant supply of cat food, toys with cat nip and one particular owner, they are being let loose into the Kenya wildlife to become part of the livestock. Not a beloved pet, not a cherished animal, rather they become a part of day to day life, whose comings and goings are unmonitored. I found peace in this but it was a process for me, abandoning my traditional views of animal care. This is not to say that animals, especially cats and dogs, were any less important to people in Kenya. Cats proved an excellent and very necessary form of rodent/pest control and dogs provided security but certainly the Kenyan adopted relationship with these animals we consider absolutely domestic is different. I wrote this poem with all of this in mind and it is my hope that it is taken as so. It is hard for us, as animal lovers, as veterinarians, as welfare advocates, to sit by and let these beloved friends loose into the world, yet it is our job. Just as I leave behind farmers whose future I am uncertain of, I leave behind these small creatures, just beginning their lives. It is a necessary hardness of this kind of position but it is one I think I can embrace with wider arms in the future as I continue to learn just how many forms of human-animal bonds exist on this planet.
As always,
Jen


From top:
"Small small"- a cat taken in from one of our farmers, taken right after a flea treatment.
"Mrs. Little" - a cat taken in from outside the chairman's house, where we roomed for the summer.
"All of us"- a group shot, one of many.